It must be my birthday… in Hell.

I had the most disturbing dream last night, in which I was telling my mom that the sink had come apart, that the kitchen has flooded and that I wasn’t looking forward to cleaning up the mess.

Only it wasn’t a dream. Which I realized when I padded out there this morning.

Now I remember putting the dishes and skillet in the sink last night to clean up after Phil’s delectable Sole Picatta—can’t let that fishy smell marinate overnight—and while the water was warming up, I popped the lemon halves into the disposal. The disposal chewed merrily for a few seconds, and then petered out.

Huh. That’s odd.

I flipped the switch off and peered inside. It looked as though a gear had come loose, so I reached in and felt… around…  over there.. and over here… is that the underside of the sink? I was TOUCHING the SINK. Why was I TOUCHING the SINK? And then something shifted and the disposal fell away from sight.

I ripped open the cabinet doors and let loose a flood of soapy, fishy water, replete with lemon shreds, and gazed at the disposal hanging at an odd angle, and at the pipe that had come out of its joint, and followed along to the pipe that joins with the sink’s drain… which was… um… swinging like your Uncle Mary.

Great googly moogly. Anyone remember the Dance of the Water Cannon from last year’s Kitchen Appliance Suite? Yeah, I do, too.

Phil groaned when I told him this morning, and again when I suggested that now there was something to kill the time between when he got out early from proctoring finals until I got home late from work today.

“Most of the stuff under the sink has been cleared out, right?”

“Beg pardon?”

He groaned again. So, just now, after dropping the kids at school, I cleared away the beach towel I’d stuffed in there and checked the stainless mixing bowl I’d wedged under the pipes. It actually wasn’t so bad under there. I’d re-fitted the sink’s drain pipe and moved the the disposal wing off to the side. There wasn’t much water in the bowl, and then I realized that was because a Tupperware bin had caught roughly a gallon of water instead. Which would have been great news if it hadn’t contained all our medicines and first aid supplies. You’d never guess that a tube of Neosporin would bloat up like a beached Humpback whale on a warm summer’s day.

So I began evacuating the Space Under the Sink. I pulled out the cannisters, the spare plastic grocery bags, the paper grocery bags which now crumpled nicely into the plastic bags, the net bag of sponges—oh, this was classic—that had swelled with water and bulged out of every hole in the netting, the sodden box of Swiffer Wet Jet pads which now looked like a pile of water-soaked panty liners, a roll of duct tape, two rolls of paper towels that would make great replacement sponges, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Jesus wept.

And now, I’m off to the shower to get ready for work and floss my brain.


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0 Responses to It must be my birthday… in Hell.

  1. jeanne28 January 25, 2007 at 4:08 am #

    Much love and many blessings to you my darling one.
    Is it your birthday?

    Blessings beyond belief today and always and may each and every day bless you and yours with only the very best.
    Love Jeanne

  2. Patty January 25, 2007 at 6:56 am #

    I hate to find happiness in your misery—but better, I guess, than finding misery in your happiness—but it’s nice to know that disposal mishaps happen to others as well. I burn through one disposal every 18 months or so. Thankfully, this has made my husband capable in the handyman role at least when it comes to installing disposals.

  3. Mr. X January 25, 2007 at 1:34 pm #

    I had a similar dream, but it wasn’t a nightmare at all. I dreamed that when I left your house the sink was draining, disposal spinning, and everything was working perfectly and (this is only part of my dream and your nightmare that were similar)—we both told your mother about it.

    When I woke up, to my dismay, I realized (told by you) that it was only a happy dream I had about the sink, drain, and disposal all being okay.

    Then (while correcting exams) I started daydreaming about the nightmare waiting for me (in real life) underneath the sink. Fish and lemon pieces, drippings and droppings, and ooh-la-la the smells that waited for me.

    I thought I would build you a cake or something to fix the sink problem and then I remembered I might just draw a picture of you, but realized I didn’t have a pencil and shading might be a problem. While looking for the paper I remembered my plumbing skills.

    Am I dreaming that I’m leaving this comment or is it really happening?

  4. Joy H January 25, 2007 at 10:49 pm #

    HEE; sounds like a bad version of ‘If You Give a Mouse a Cookie’

  5. mindy January 25, 2007 at 11:21 pm #

    OK my word is FEED so I have to give an update! When I got home from work with a blistering headache yesterday, Phil was already under the sink, fixing the disposal and telling me to go ahead and have a nap. Then he made us dinner and popped in a movie.

    He feeds my heart, mind and soul.

  6. jeanne28 January 26, 2007 at 3:27 am #

    God bless your Phil.
    He is an angel in your lives.
    Be well my sweet friend.
    Love you

  7. Katie January 26, 2007 at 7:00 am #

    Disposals aren’t too hard to replace, I did ours on Mother’s Day one year (while my husband was out of town).  I don’t think I ever understood the word “irony” until I was a mother.

    And also?  I refuse to store anything under the kitchen sink but a bucket and dishwasher detergent.  It’s a good policy I think.

    Hope you get some rest and Phil, you are awesome!

  8. Gail January 26, 2007 at 8:24 am #

    I’m glad that by the time I got here the crisis was resolved.  It’s the pits when household things go wrong.  I tend to just go buy a new whatever it is and hire some one to install it.

  9. nick January 26, 2007 at 11:02 am #

    He told you to “have” a nap… I’m not buying it!

  10. Tickeld Pink/Nicole January 28, 2007 at 7:44 am #

    Joyeux Anniversaire!  May the very most you wish for this year (health insurance, more money and dreams way bigger) be the very least you receive.

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