The Two-Patty Theory

We got Burger King for everyone tonight (it was just easier, OK?), and when Daphne opened her Whopper she said, “Mom, I got two patties! Why are there two instead of one?”

I said, “I guess it’s your lucky day.”

Ten minutes later, she announced that she had five theories as to why she received two patties in her Whopper rather than one.

About a third of the way through the second theory, I said, “Wait! Mommy’s watching Hulk smash. You’ve got to write this down. Here, you can use my laptop,” thus guaranteeing a Monday morning post.

Here we go:

First Theory

The  first person put a patty in the hamburger, then the next person said “I bet I can do that faster!” So then that person put another patty in the hamburger. Then a third person tried to put another patty in the hamburger but he was tackled but the other two people. Then they put the hamburger in the bag, forgetting the two patties in the hamburger and gave it to me.

Second Theory

The person that put the patties in my hamburger went to a Chinese restaurant and got a fortune cookie. The cookie said, “Do something weird at work tomorrow.” So the next day the person went to work and thought “My cookie did say to do something weird.” Right then he was making a hamburger and made a two pattied hamburger. So he put it in the bag and gave it to me.

Third Theory

There was a hobo on a bench and the person felt bad and gave the hobo some money. The hobo then walked into Walmart and got a card for the person and it read “Put twice as many patties than usual tomorrow at work, sincerely, Stanley.” So the person thought, “Oh so his name is Stanley.” The next day the person put two patties in hamburger and put it into the bag and gave it to me.

Fourth Theory

A person walked into Burger King, thinking that he worked there and then quickly said,  “Wait I don’t work here!” Right then the person went home and soon came back and applied for the job there. In about two minutes he was working on making hamburgers and he thought “Its my first day” and he made a hamburger with two patties and put it in a bag and gave it to me.

Fifth Theory

A metal chicken gave a note to the person who made my hamburger, that said “Bwok” which inspired the person the make a two-pattied hamburger and put it in a bag and gave it to me.


QOTD: Yo Mama from my Mama

I swear, I don’t even have to speak to family members to get faced. I can hear them all using the same tone and inflection. For example, I sent Mom to the person who cuts my hair, and she’s had two appointments canceled on her already. She’s fed up and going to another place. I felt bad about keeping the “thank you for the referral” gift certificate from my gal, until Mom pushed it too far.

Mom:  Your gal, at posh and expensive salon, stood me up 2x– for 3 hour appointments in 2 consecutive weeks–keratin treatment and cut.

Me: Wow, I’ve been going to her for three years and never had that happen. I’m so sorry. They did send me a $20 certificate for referring you. I’ll call and let them know how that went. :(

Mom: $350 for a keratin treatment!

Me: And THAT is why I won’t even do highlights. Highway robbery.

Mom: Yr life is a hilite


Me: it’s nine o’clock. We should get up. I think the kids are all up.

Guy: They are. Someone pounded on the door a couple times.

Me: What? I slept right through that. What did they need?

Guy: I dunno.

Me: Well, who was it?

Guy: I dunno.

Me: Are you kidding me?

Guy: It woke me up once.


“I may be over-thinking this, but it never seemed this complicated with a glass of Jack Daniels.”
—My Southern fiancé, standing buck naked in front of a mirror, trying to perfect a bow tie.


Just now, I showed Guy the Blue Ball (*cymbals*) jars I decorated with raffia that we’re using for flowers Saturday. He stared in admiration.

Guy: “You did that?”

Me: “What? Do you think I sit around drinking bon bons?”