I can already see where this Mothers Day is going

My son called from his room at 1:26 am, the ringing phone throwing my heart at the ceiling.

“Mom, I think I’m dying. I can’t fall asleep.” I think I’m dying, too. Of a heart attack. “I’ll be right down.”

I felt his forehead. “You’ve got a fever. I think you have what I have.” I gave him one his sister’s Tylenol her dad sent with her last night—she’d had a tooth repaired after a chip and it was sore. Oh my god, all my kids are old enough to have full-strength pain relievers. “Here, sit up and take this. It’s just the flu.”

“Did I get it from you?” he asked. I think if he’d had the strength that would have sounded almost accusatory.

“Not in the four hours you’ve been here. It takes longer than that to incubate. But thanks for thinking of me.”

I took one, too. When I woke up from a dream in which we all had fur and tails like mice and has no standing until we’d won a spar with the current tail-judo master, my neck was a girder and I was about a thousand degrees too hot. Besides, that mouse was really doing a job on my self-esteem because I couldn’t land a blow on his belly. Think Ripred from Gregor The Overlander.

On my way back to bed I heard a creak from Daphne’s bed and saw the light under her door. Oh, no. I opened up the Tylenol and shook out another pill.

Daphne was sitting up in bed, face flushed with a thousand-yard stare. Oh, goody.

“I knew it,” I said. “You didn’t look right when you went to bed.”

“Mom, I’ve been like this since midnight. I only slept two hours,”she said, as I felt her forehead.

“Yep, you’ve got it, too.” Earlier, I’d begged off from dinner out with their dad and them to celebrate Logan’s birthday. I was too glazed over to steer two tons of German engineering over the mountain pass. Hence their late-night arrival so they could wake here on Mothers Day.

I don’t think breakfast in bed is on the menu anymore. Limp, hot children maybe, but not a fresh, hot meal.

Did I mention Guy has it, too? He asked for the chocolate Hagen Daaz and a spoon as long as I was up. I handed it to him and picked up my iPad to write. I wasn’t interested in chocolate Hagen Daaz. I really must be dying.

3:40 am: the first child starts driving the porcelain bus. Just waiting to see who’s next.

Mid- hurl: “Happy—blergh—Mothers Day.”

For Sale: Terrifying Commute with Chance of Screaming Plummet to Death

I drove a little ways into the backwoods this morning to look at a house for sale on eleven acres that was just gorgeous in the pictures. I had to prove to myself that it was either totally out of reach price-wise, or not conducive to housing eight people, five of them boys under 13. I tend to do that. If I can just see it and dismiss it, it’s out of my mind. As opposed to letting it gnaw at me with what if’s and creative financing scenarios and delusions of giving the kids land to run around in and play their own version of The Hunger Games.

Just as I sat down to write this, my husband IM’d to say he’s been listening to our wedding music at work (must be a REALLY stressful day). I said, what a coincidence: I was humming it because if I’d tried to plug in my iTunes I would have driven off a mountainside and Pachinkoed my way down 500 feet of redwood trees spaced perfectly for a bouncing car.

“What a deathtrap.” I said, “The drive, not the house. Eleven acres? Awesome! Oh, it’s all sheer cliffs and mountainous forest? Not so much. I actually drove part of the way on a newly paved road that curved AROUND the landslide that isolated that whole part of the valley in last year’s storms.”

“Great, perpetual chance of not going to work or school.”

“We’d wind up eating each other.”

“Plus forest fires in the summer.””I’d have to learn to hunt like Katniss.”

I’m serious, it was only two miles off the main drag, but the road narrowed oh-so-subtly to a single lane with slick, grassy shoulders about three feet wide on either side, just enough to squeeze over for a car careening by going the other way without knocking each other’s side mirrors off. And you’d better hope that you’re on the downhill side, because that uphill side has a terrifying view of the gorge hundreds of feet below the road. I don’t even know how I got up that high. I must have been concentrating on the grassy shoulders and watching for falling trees. But they said there was room for horses, or a vineyard, so it had to get better, am I right?

The house itself was really beautiful, but constructed of octagons connected by hallways. Each octagon was divided into several rooms such that no bedroom had a wall long enough for a bed AND a dresser. I suppose we could weave baskets from the reedy hillsides and store our shit there.

And what about the horses? Apparently, they would have to graze single file on the shoulders, and back up when it’s time to bed down in the octagonal barn.

Of course, there was an absolutely to-die-for-feature that almost made me not care where anyone else slept, because in the master bath, there was a ROCK SHOWER. WITH A VIEW FOR KINGS. It was so totally Game of Thrones that I stood there long enough to make the realtor nervous.

So, having turned that buzzing little mind gnat off with a slap, I rolled my way back down to civilization and got a good look at the neighbors. I may have heard banjos. I know I passed at least one commune, with a rainbow-painted propane tank that would house a family of five. And probably did. No joke, they had erected their own street sign: “Love Street.”

I think we’ll stay in our planned development five feet from the freeway where I can safely do donuts in the intersections.