The Two-Patty Theory

We got Burger King for everyone tonight (it was just easier, OK?), and when Daphne opened her Whopper she said, “Mom, I got two patties! Why are there two instead of one?”

I said, “I guess it’s your lucky day.”

Ten minutes later, she announced that she had five theories as to why she received two patties in her Whopper rather than one.

About a third of the way through the second theory, I said, “Wait! Mommy’s watching Hulk smash. You’ve got to write this down. Here, you can use my laptop,” thus guaranteeing a Monday morning post.

Here we go:

First Theory

The  first person put a patty in the hamburger, then the next person said “I bet I can do that faster!” So then that person put another patty in the hamburger. Then a third person tried to put another patty in the hamburger but he was tackled but the other two people. Then they put the hamburger in the bag, forgetting the two patties in the hamburger and gave it to me.

Second Theory

The person that put the patties in my hamburger went to a Chinese restaurant and got a fortune cookie. The cookie said, “Do something weird at work tomorrow.” So the next day the person went to work and thought “My cookie did say to do something weird.” Right then he was making a hamburger and made a two pattied hamburger. So he put it in the bag and gave it to me.

Third Theory

There was a hobo on a bench and the person felt bad and gave the hobo some money. The hobo then walked into Walmart and got a card for the person and it read “Put twice as many patties than usual tomorrow at work, sincerely, Stanley.” So the person thought, “Oh so his name is Stanley.” The next day the person put two patties in hamburger and put it into the bag and gave it to me.

Fourth Theory

A person walked into Burger King, thinking that he worked there and then quickly said,  “Wait I don’t work here!” Right then the person went home and soon came back and applied for the job there. In about two minutes he was working on making hamburgers and he thought “Its my first day” and he made a hamburger with two patties and put it in a bag and gave it to me.

Fifth Theory

A metal chicken gave a note to the person who made my hamburger, that said “Bwok” which inspired the person the make a two-pattied hamburger and put it in a bag and gave it to me.

THE END

The Where I've Been Post

In a nutshell, I’ve been planning a wedding, managing a household of eight people that are not always under the same roof—or in the same country—on any given night, trying to finish a book, redoing a website, frantically looking for work, and, OH! Planning a wedding!

That will take place in 9 days. So, no biggie. I checked the weather and all the thunderstorms and warnings should dissipate by the night before, so we can have a partly-cloudy but not-very-chilly ceremony outdoors, in my mother’s courtyard in Capitola.

And for those who haven’t been following on Facebook or Pinterest (where, to my embarrassment, I’ve been hanging out for administrative ease instead of updating here like a sane person), you can check out the photo gallery below of collected images that will make up our big day.

I’m so excited to become Mrs. Guy. Y’all have no idea.

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Guest list: check. Six kids, Guy’s mom and dad, my mom and stepdad, and… our photographer. Whom I already love like a sister so I will try to get her loaded even though she swears she will not drink on the job.

Decorations: check. God bless Martha Stewart crafts and Amazon.com. Between them and Ace hardware, it really is coming together nicely.

Rings: check! Actually, credit card. I paid cash for his but mine was a little more. We re-set my grandmother’s heirloom diamond into a custom, vintage-looking setting, a simple solitaire with matching thin platinum band.

Dress: check. I can zip it, I won’t trip over it, and flats will keep me from towering over Guy.

Flower girl, Ring Bearer, and other four boys: check. You would not believe what it cost to buy khakis, simple white shirts, bow ties, belts, and shoes for five boys. I’m not even going to mention socks. They are on their own.

Moms: check. Dresses chosen, all excited.

Food: check. Will be dropped off and we will descend like velociraptors, eating buffet style on the deck.

Cake: check. Did the order over email, trust is something I find easy to bestow. I’m not hard to please. I mean, I’m decorating with burlap, twine, and mason jars, am I right?

Honeymoon: double-check. Guy’s parents gave us one of their membership resort weeks in Puerto Vallarta. Squeee!

 

The UN-Holiday Gift Guide

Instead of coming up with a list of the latest must-have gifts, I thought I’d approach gift-giving in retrospect, with my UN-Holiday Gift Guide. These are the things that I love and use daily, and honestly don’t think I could have gotten through the year without them!

Of course, I fumbled with a few slideshow formats (how does Babble DO that??) and finally gave up and put it in my Amazon Store. Might as well, as you can buy just about anything there, including OBGYN supplies. Truth.

There were a few things I COULDN’T find on Amazon, so I’m listing them here. They make my life worth living. Good example: I couldn’t get Guy on Amazon. Perspective.

TAKE ME TO THE GIFT GUIDE!

 And now, the things I couldn’t find on Amazon.com:

  1. Lo & Sons bags. I am almost afraid to look, because they may not be making the bags I have anymore. Especially because I got the second one for a steal as they were getting rid of the old line. I cannot say enough about how well constructed, pocket-thoughtful, and useful these bags are. I use The TT computer bag as a purse, and if I have to travel, I use The O.G. I especially love that it has a zippered slot for a pair of shoes so they don’t touch your clothing. Genius. OMG I just looked and they have added all sorts of new bags, including one called The OMG. OMG!
  2. Marie Antoinette cotton nightgown. You heard me. Order in white. Your man will not be able to sit still around you.
  3. Gap underwear. Yummy , comfortable, sexy, and they last. LOVE. Order one cup size down, fyi.
  4. Big Pharma (price and mileage may vary). Self-explanatory.
  5. Malibu Beach RV Park Hoodie & tShirts. My kids each brought me back something from the RV Park when they went to Disneyland with Dad. I love them.
  6. Warby Parker Eyeglasses (frames and lenses included for $95, plus they donate a pair to someone in need for each pair you buy. I have four.
  7. Epiphanie camera bag. I have the Clover in pink, and while pricy, they are a perfect solution for those who want a camera bag that will keep everything compartmentalized and SAFE, while looking like anything other than a camera bag. Just ask Karen Walrond.
  8. Camera straps. I can’t find where I got mine, but I’m a braces and belt kind of girl. I use both the wrist strap and the shoulder strap, and the kids know they’d better be well and truly strapped in if they want to touch my camera. I always support Etsy, so that’s where I’m sending you!
  9. Physicalfix. I could devote whole posts to this (and have), but I can’t stop raving about it. Physicalfix is an online exercise/training program that constructs workouts tailored specifically to your body, strengths, goals, equipment handy, and time to devote to exercise. The best thing is that you can do it without leaving the house or having anyone watch, which for me is the single biggest barrier to exercise. I never exercised until this fall, and I’m down 14 lbs and am growing a six-pack. I have a waist again. Guy is chasing me around the coffee table. I no longer think that lipo is the only way for me to get my pre-baby body back. I’m a believer. And I pay for the program, not the other way around. I’m a paying member, and fully recommend you check out the food logs, weight trackers, and the bangin’ bod on this guy. Pfix President Josh Zitomer is a former strength trainer for the NY Jets, and a celebrity trainer (no, he won’t tell me who), and a lot of other things I can’t list to do him justice. He is sincere, hardworking, supportive, and dedicated to all his clients. That’s right, he WILL check in on you. He’s also a little bit crazy in that he does Triple Iron Man competitions and is training for the Death Race (HOLY SHIT, watch the video describing it. Only THREE people finished last year.). He has become a great friend, and I will support what he does as much as possible.

Next post: my favorite books from the year. There are a LOT of them.

Buckle-down time

Argh! I have been horribly remiss in updating here. Now that I’m all better, Guy’s vacation week is over and he is back to traveling all over the damn place, his kids are with their mother, and my kids are back to the regular schedule, I have to do some serious buckling down.

First, the book. WRITE THE BOOK. It will not write itself no matter how much I shame it. It is like a two year old. Dancing around without a diaper.

Second, a BIG PROJECT. It will be fantastic if I can pull it off, with substantial bonus for finishing within an impossible timeframe, but I’m built for speed at the last minute. (And yes, I will be charging you full freight if I pull this off. And if I do, I expect you to hand me the contract for moving your shop! I so love when the people on either side of a deal know exactly who and what they are working with. Clarity abounds.)

Oh! I have lovely new curtains in my office so the cheap, aluminum blinds don’t sear vertical patterns into my retina once the sun starts moving to this side of the house. I spend the latter half of each day crouched behind my gigantic monitor, shifting my chair and turning it bit by bit as the sun moves and occasionally shoots through the little string holes and lasers my vision to pieces. By dinner time I am crouching with my chin near the desk, the monitor tilted down, and sitting nearly parallel to the windows.

Office Curtains

So, we have new curtains. Sheers on the way. Double-hung, lined, and pretty fucking pricey. This is where I spend so much of my time, and I have to be saner than usual this summer. Moving my desk downstairs with six kids on summer vacation is not an option. Plus, I can see the pool from here and shout out the windows whenever someone tries to surf on a plank of wood or sets up a ramp near the water.

We did kitchen drapes too, since Guy’s parents are here and are amazingly handy. We had a production line going, with his mom ironing, me organizing and threading, and the guys installing the hardware. Plus, we found a chandelier in storage that Guy’s grandfather made out of stained glass, Craftsman-style. The difference is amazing.

Yes, we have decided to stick it out one more year in this rental as the housing market is awful and the inventory stinks. The only places available around here either have horse property where the house is not much better than the barn, or nestled along one of the many windy, solitary roads in this town along rain-saturated foothills that have been coming down and becoming part of people’s yards. I’ll stick to the builder home in the gated community. Dated interior, but safe from flooding or landslides.

Which is just the right amount of sanity for now.

Now, that is, that Logan has made the Little League Majors All-Star Team and will have daily practices, games, and events through the end of July. Did I mention that all of this takes place 15 miles away, over the mountain? Near his father’s house? And that his father is out of town for ten days? And we will have their terrier puppy? I must have mentioned it. Because as hard as I try to block it, there it all is again.